


Cruel Cycle

by levibes



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hallucinations, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-03-05 15:02:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3124526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levibes/pseuds/levibes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya has schizophrenia.<br/>Shizuo wants to help.<br/>But...<br/>It might not be enough.</p><p>Shizaya AU</p><p>Warning~ Triggers all over the place</p><p>Slight....or a lot...of ooc.</p><p>Also, I'm starting to title my chapters with song names.<br/>No copyright intended at all.<br/>To know if the chapter's title is a song, the title will be in quotation marks.<br/>In the end, I usually write a couple of lyrics of the song, describing what I write...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Drown"

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I've never met anyone with schizophrenia so I'll probably be a bit wrong on how they act -.- but I tried...  
> My best friend helped me with this btw~  
> And also this awesome girl I met online cx  
> Just a small warning, this will be a bit sad, especially if you love Izaya ;-;  
> Anyways...enjoy?

"Promise me...Shizuo" the raven haired boy sobbed.

"I-zaya...please" Shizuo kept racing to his apartment, racing against time...for him. "Please d-don't do this..." He began to cry in a broken voice. In a broken heart.

"I love you..." 

~7 months earlier~

-Izaya's POV- 

I drag the blade deep into my wrist once again, crimson liquid oozing out of my broken flesh. I watch as the blood pours down my fingers and onto the white carpet, staining it with dark red blood.

"Again, Izaya~ Again! Again!" 24 hours sang happily. I look up and meet her icy blue eyes.

"I-isn't this e-enough?" I blurt out and I  
immediately regretted it.

24 hours quickly grabbed ahold of my bleeding wrist "I said, Again." She growled through her gritted teeth, tightening her grip on me. I nearly scream at the pain from her grasp on the deep cut, making it bleed more. 

"S-stop! You're hu-rting me!" I cried out in a pained voice. I hated when she would do this, and I hated begging, but how else was I supposed to stop her from injuring me further? 

"If Izaya doesn't want to do it again, then I have no choice but to hurt him myself." She smiled so innocently, so fake.

"Yeah, Izaya..." I whirl my head to the direction of Yellow's voice. 

"More." Friday mumbled from the center of my bed, sitting criss crossed.

"Don't hesitate, just do it. Do it now!" North yelled angrily. "You're so fucking useless. What are waiting for?" 

"Let your blood color the carpet some more Izaya~" Letter F whispered as she seducingly wrapped her arms around my neck.

"F-fine" I pull away from 24 hour's tight clutch, making the blood seep faster. As I positioned the blade above my wrist again, I hear a soft knock on my front door.

"Oh~ seems like someone has interrupted the fun" Yellow smirked as he met my teary eyes 

"Shall we punish them?!" Number 6 asked excitedly from the chair right in front of my tightly curtain closed window.

"No! Shut up! Shut up! Shut UP!" I yelled. "I will check quickly, so be quiet for fuck's sake." I slip away from Letter F's arms, making her pout, and head to the front door. 

I crack the door open slowly and peer out to see my little sister, Kururi, standing there quietly and lonely. 

"She's pretty" Tuesday smiled.

"Ugh, no, she's horrible. She should just die!" Letter F said jealously.

"Whatever! Tell her to leave. Now." 24 hours spat, vemon tainting her voice.

"K-kururi...what are you doing here?" I asked, trying to ignore the rest of the others comments and snickers.

"Iza-nii....bleeding..." She mumbled softly.

I look down and notice my arm, painted red with my own blood. "Oh, yeah...umm..." I tried to find a way to explain but she spoke again.

"Knife..." She whispered, her face filled with panic. I followed her eyes trailing to my other hand which I still held onto the bloodied blade.

"Busted." Friday mumbled and the rest laughed.

"Shut up!" I yell as I turn around behind me where they stood.

"Something...wrong?" Kururi asked, extremely confused and a bit surprised.

"No! I-its nothing..." I lied.

"You're lying" she whispered to me, but I could barely hear her over the sound of them laughing.

"I'm...I'm not lying, just what do you want?" I ask, desperate to change the subject. She looked up at me with sweet hazel eyes looking worried and sorrowful...or was it pity? 

"I was just....checking....on you..." She answered slowly.

Why would she be checking on me? I'm not some little toddler who needs supervision at all times.

"Why? Do you think I'm some little kid?" I could feel myself getting furious. "I'm older than you. It should be me checking on you. God damn it, just stop treating me like something you're obligated to take care of!"

I hadn't even realized that my voice had raised into a harsh yell until I slammed my door in her shocked face.

"Ha! Did you hear that? Izaya's little sisters are the ones that take care of him!" North let out a cruel laugh. 

"Shut up!" I yelled angrily. I want to cry. I'm so tired. My head hurts. My whole body aches. They kept laughing, mocking me, haunting me.

I grab fistfuls of my hair and crouch down, feeling hot tears running down my pale sickly face.

I don't know how long I sat there hugging my knees, crying, mumbling, begging them all to shut up. 

Once again there was a knock on the door. I try to wipe off my tears and before opening the door, I go to the bathroom.

As I enter the small room, I hesitate on turning on the lights and decide against it. They would tease me by looking into my reflection and accusingly pointing at me. Cruelly laughing straight in my face. Telling me what I already know. Telling me that I'm ugly. That I'm worthless. Useless. And they're favorite one, telling me...

"You will never be happy" Eight hundred smirked from behind me.

"Never," Right agreed, "with that face, you can't be happy, never...ever." He laughed loudly.

I tried to ignore them as I washed my tear stained face. I finally dry my pale face off with a fluffy red towel and headed to the knocking door.

After a couple of minutes of standing there, internally begging for whoever was knocking to leave, only to be annoyed. They were persistent. Knocking the door louder and louder each time. I finally open the door after I'd had enough.

"Could you try not to bust down my door?!?" I glared at them. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt with ripped stylish jeans and some black boots, complimenting his whole outfit. He had blond hair and honey brown eyes. And I couldn't help but feel my heart ache and feel flustered. He was really...hot.

"Your sister told me you are hurt, mind letting me help?" He asked so nicely, it was somewhat frightening how nice he seemed.

"W-who are you?" I finally managed to choke out.

"Oh that's right, sorry, I am Shizuo, your neighbor." He replied as he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and finally met my eyes. I quickly look away, feeling somewhat flustered.

"He's hot." Letter F whistled, interrupting my lighthearted thoughts and dragging me back to my hell. The others hooted and giggled, taunting me to no end.

I rub my temples and close my eyes, trying to ignore them, "Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you."

"Okay sorry abo- wait, what's that!?" He quickly pulled my injured arm tightly, making me yelp in pain. It began to bleed for he managed to reopened my wounds again.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't.."

"Its okay..." I said and tried to pull away, but he was pretty strong...or more like, I'm so fucking weak. 

"Weak"

"Useless"

"Worthless"

They all laughed.

"Shut up" I mumble to them really softly, hoping Shizuo wouldn't hear.

"I know this isn't my business really, but let me help you aid these...cuts." He observed my scars so intensely, I could feel my skin start to melt away.

"Don't look!" I yelled at him, making him look away from them, "...please..." 

He had finally let go, "A-lright...once again, I'm sorry I didn't mea-"

"I'm fine so you can leave now..." I said as I pulled my bloody arms to my chest. My grey shirt starting to soak up the dark red liquid. "I'm okay." I lied, again. 

~

I'm not okay, and it's not alright.


	2. Meeting You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a procrasinator...  
> I'm sorry for the long ass wait xc  
> But its here~  
> Finally xD  
> ~  
> Oh! Btw, sorry about the confusions but all those weird names like 24 hours, Yellow, etc. were Izaya's hallucinations. Schizophrenics tend to name their hallucinations in weird ways, so I hope that clears up the confusion. cx

-Shizuo's POV- 

I awkwardly stood in front of the foreign door for, I swear, has been the longest time.

Wait... How the fuck did I get into this situation?!?

Oh...that's right...

That little girl, umm Kururi?, I believe, said her brother "Izanaii", which I honestly think is a weird ass name, is hurt really bad. She seemed really worried and even though she was crying softly, the tears couldn't stop falling from her paled face.

I finally knocked on the door twice and waited patiently.

No response.

Again, I knocked, of course a bit harder.

And again, no response.

I felt my eye twitch, obviously I was getting slightly irritated. 

I knocked again. 

Silence.

To be fair, I've been known for having little to no patience. So, I knocked again. Louder.

And louder.

And louder.

I didn't know that I was technically banging the door down until a slim figure opened the door, glaring up at me.

"Could you try not to bust down my door?!?" He finally spoke up. And to be honest, he had such an intimating voice, even though he looked so fragile. He wasn't that short, but he wasn't taller than me.

He had on some black sweatpants and a grey t-shirt. He looked so skinny and pale. His eyes were dark red and they had big black bags underneath them, making him seem as if he hadn't slept in ages.

"Your sister told me you are hurt, mind letting me help?" I replied with a awkward small curve at the edge of my lips, somewhat failing to smile wholeheartedly.

"W-who are you?" He quietly asked, appearing to be outright weirded out.

Alright...completely failing.

"Oh that's right, sorry, I am Shizuo, your neighbor." I responded back as I awkwardly rubbed the back of my neck and inevitably met his tired eyes.

He quickly looked away, and stared into the ground in between us as if it were the most interesting piece of earth.

He then looked up, but with closed eyes and he massaged his temples, "Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you."

"Okay sorry abo- wait, what's that!?" I was about to take my leave but then I saw his arms.

His arms were adored by rows of multiple irregular slashes. Some were scars and others...others were new. Bright red cuts clearly standing out on his pale thin arms.

Without thinking, I hastily pulled his arms, making him yelp in agony. 

Accidentally, I reopened his wounds, feeling a warm liquid slowly flowing between my fingers. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't.." I started to say but was interrupted with his teary eyes.

"Its okay..." He obviously lied with a hoarse voice.

I felt really bad and got a sudden urge to help him. Whatever he was going through, I wanted to help. Help him so much.

"I know this isn't my business really, but let me help you aid these...cuts." I kept my eyes glued to his scars, unintentionally.

"Don't look!" He yelled, startling me. "...please..."

I finally let his arm go, "A-lright...once again, I'm sorry I didn't mea-"

"I'm fine so you can leave now..." He said softly and hugged his arms to his chest.

Right away, his grey shirt starting to turn into a dark shade of red. "I'm okay." He lied, again.

How could he lie so easily? What made him do such things? Who hurt him so bad? Leaving him so fragile. So broken.

"Umm, like I said, I'm okay, so y-you can leave now." He avoided my eyes as he spoke.

"No, I can't. And I don't want to." He flinched slightly. "Let me help you please."

"Are you deaf?" He asked me harshly, implying it was a rhetorical question.

"Wha- no, more like why can't I?" I countered, feeling irritated once again.

He let out a small huff of laughter and I was, again, faced with his crimson orbs. It was so irritating how he felt the need to be intimidating, considering how broken he seemed.

As if he needed to block himself from others. 

Fuck, that feeling again, coursing through my being. Insisting me to not give up on him, to help him. 

"At leas-" I sighed, knowing it could be futile to convince him my help. "At least let me bandage those." My eyes pointing at his cuts.

"That's not needed."

Like I said, Fu-fucking-tile.

"What the hell?!?" I asked sharply, startling him a bit. 

Shit. That wasn't my intention.

"I-i'm sorry...but seriously, you really are losing a lot of blo-"

His body began to sway and next thing I know, he collapsed right onto my chest.

"Hey!" I shook his shoulder a little but he wouldn't move at all. "Shit!" I effortlessly picked him up to my chest. And by effortlessly, I mean completely without any type of work. He was so light.

A small wave of panic ran through me and without hesitation, I walked into his apartment.

I placed his limp body on the closest couch I saw, which was hard to do, since his whole apartment was really dark.

As I checked for a pulse on his wrist, I took out my phone and began to dial an ambulance.

"D-don't..." he crooked so softly and placed his skinny hand over mine. "Don't...call them. Please." His eyes teared up and soon after, tears fell from them, rolling down his cheeks. "This is normal, just let me sleep...for..." 

His eyelids fell and I felt panicky again. I was going to call again but I noticed how tightly he held onto my hand, despite his weaken state. He held on firmly and I decided to trust him, but I still needed to aid his cuts.

His grip loosened soon after and as gentle as I could, I slipped my hand away. As I got up, he stirred a little and I frozed. He, once again, got comfortable and fell deeply asleep.

I let out a long sigh and walked back to my apartment, looking for the first aid kit I got from Tom-san. 

I rumpaged around my bathroom drawers and finally spotted the little white box. I took it in my hand and ran back to the apartment.


	3. "And The Snakes Start To Sing"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you go on reading, I'd love to tell you guys thank you for being patient and supporting me so much cx  
> You guys are awesome~ (/.\\)  
> P.S.  
> A little teensy weensy Shizaya fluff v.v

-Izaya's POV-

I woke up by the touch of something soft and fuzzy tickling the tip of my nose. I slowly open my eyes and was met with bright green eyes.

An all black slender cat with white paws and ears was staring straight at me. It tilted its head in slight confusion, and I stared back at it in awe.

'How in the hell did this get in?'

I was about to yell at it to at least get off me, but right before any words left my mouth, its small white paw covered my lips and its gaze fell upon a certain blond, who was currently sleeping on my arm.  
                                               
My arms were bandaged with white gauze, dry red blood already seeped out. As I tried to pull my hand, I notice the tight warm hand wrapping mine, it belonging to none other than Shizuo.

I felt my heart ache a little but I once again pull my hand away from the protective grip, only to find the grip get tighter. He began to stir in his peaceful sleep and I stayed still. I watched the way his messy hair moved as he tried to get comfortable again. 

As if his hair was magnet and my hand an attracted metal, my fingers found itself going through the golden soft locks, feeling the way his hair, despite it being messy, easily flowed through.

"Aren't you getting a little to confident?" Tuesday spoke out from right in front of me.

I pull my hand away immediately and in the process, nudging the cat from earlier off my lap.

"Aww, why'd you stop?" Shizou whined in a teasingly voice.

"Y-y-y-you w-were awa-ke??" I asked in broken syllables, sending an embarrassing flush of red straight to my cheeks.

"Just now-" he yawned and finally let go of my hand as he stretched his arms up above his head, "I just woke up, I mean."

"S-sorry about that..." I mumbled softly, looking down unable to look at him with my embarrassed face.

Shizuo lower his head down to meet my eyes "No need to apologize. You did nothing wrong."

I couldn't help but turn around to the opposite direction of his gaze and mutter my thanks for his aid.

"What'd you say?" He asked in confusion. I guess he didn't hear me. 

"I said...thank you...for helping me" I spoke louder but honestly, still too quiet.

"No problem at all" he replied. He managed to meet my eyes, and even kept mine locked in his. For a long time, we stayed like that, staring at each other's eyes in complete silence

"I like your eyes." He blurted out all of a sudden.

.....did I just hear right???

"Um...what?" I asked nervously.

He chuckled behind his hand. "I said I like your eyes. They're a nice bright red. You know, like the color of blood, but very.....passionate."

A pink color once again took over and colonized my pale face, feeling really warm on my cheeks.

"I didn't mean to embarrass you," he rose his hands up as if to defend himself at gunpoint.

"N-no, that was just...really random" I mumbled and looked away from him quickly.

"Really?" He asked, again, trying to meet my eyes.

I nodded once, still trying to calm my crazily pounding heart.

"By the way," he sighed "what's your name? Is it really, umm...Iza-nii?" He asked.

"Iza-nii?" I questioned, "Only my sisters call me that."

"Oh, makes sense" He replied. "Then, what's your real name?"

"Why?" I blurted out. No one ever asks for my name...

"Why, what? Why would I want to know your name?" He started. "Well....I'd like to know your name."

' He'd like to know?' I was about to ask why once more but I decided it was better to just tell him. "Izaya."

He kept quiet for a while before he spoke up, "Izaya, huh?" It rolled off his tongue so perfectly and sweet. "I like that too."

"Like what?" I mumbled puzzledly.

"Your name." He replied so easily and I think I could have hear him chuckle just a little.

I, of course, blushed again and before I could thank him, the cat from earlier was on top my other couch, casually licking its paws.

"Did you let a cat in?" I muttered the question as I kept looking at the funny looking cat.

"A cat?" Shizuo asked confusedly and turned around to try and look at what I was looking, only to find nothing. "No, why? Is there a cat here?"

I fixed my gaze on him again and noticed it was a 'me thing'. "Oh, sorry, that was just a random question." 

"Really?" Shizuo asked me as he turned around to face me again. "Then, what where you looking at?"

I looked away from the cat and looked at Shizuo's confused yet amused face. One of his eyebrows was very arched and the other one was forced down. He lips were forming a slight curve at the edge, making him look 'smuggishy'. Though, I'd have to admit, he looked pretty funny.

"Nothing." I finally sighed as I looked away. "By the way," I looked down to my bandaged arms, "...thank you."

Shizuo stayed quiet for a long time before speaking up. "You're welcome, but..." He had pulled my chin up, with just one finger, to meet my eyes. "I know...that I don't...know you or know what you've been through... But I want to tell you, please, don't harm yourself." The way his face expression melted to a painful and sadden expression, made me feel like utter shit.

Why was he looking at me like that? Why does he care about what I do? Like he said, he doesn't know anything. 

"....I....can't understand you. A-and its frustrating." I blurted out without even thinking about my wording.

His soft finger left my face and this time, he was the one to look away... "What is?" He asked all of a sudden.

I tried to explain my frustration without it being to harsh. "W-well...umm...why, do you...care? We've only know each other for a couple of hours, and most of those hours we were both asleep." 

"Well..." He was still looking away and for some reason that really hurted.

"I mean, like you said...you don't know anything or even me. So its stupid to worry." I spoke as if uninterested and looked down to my bloodied shirt.

I heard how he shuffled to get up and I looked up to see him standing up and looking down to me, reaching out his hand. "How about we change that?" He asked with the gentlest smile I'd ever seen. Not that I've seen many though. "Let me help you."

My heart sunk as I noticed 'everybody' smirking at me, all behind Shizuo.

"Go ahead. Take that hand," 24 hours spoke, "but remember, you're just going to pull him down along with you."

"It'll just be a futile try" Yellow rolled his eyes.

I looked back at Shizuo and then to his outstretched hand. As I opened my mouth to reject his help, the cat from early meowed and jumped up to my lap, its eyes looking so sincere like it was telling me, 'prove them wrong.'

~

Won't you take me out of my head?


	4. Your Dark Yet Bright Crimson Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about all the irregular updatesss!!!  
> I'm such a lazy procrastinator :/  
> Also~  
> Thank you guys so much for the comments and kudos!!  
> I love to see that you guys actually like my crappy writing xD  
> And if you guys have any confusion understanding this, don't hesitate on leaving me a comment!  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> Enjoy~ u.u  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> I guess xD

-Shizuo's POV-

With obvious hesitation in his eyes, he reached out to grab a hold of my hand. I couldn't help but smile a little at the slightly trembling, yet warm and gentle touch of his hand on mine. I firmly grasped his hand and pulled him up, meeting his, now pale with slight fear, red orbs.

God...I really still can't get over his eyes...

They are just so dark red yet...so bright...

I honestly love the way how his eyes would actually speak for him when his lips couldn't do it...

I internally laughed at myself because, I barely knew him. Seriously, just a couple of hours ago, we were strangers that just lived next to each other. Neighbors that would have nothing to do with each other. We were people that were irrelevant to each other. With nothing in common...I think. I am only just jumping to conclusions. But, what if we become more than that. I'll be honest... I'd really like that, but would he let me? He seems like the type of person who pushes everyone away from him. He lies easily saying he's 'okay' but deep in those eyes, there is so much loneliness and I asked him if I could help, without thinking it thoroughly.

"Um...could I have my hand back?" Interrupted of my stupid thoughts, I heard Izaya mutter as he slowly slipped away from my hold.

"Oh, yeah!" I awkwardly pulled away and scratched the back of my neck and looked away, a little embarrassed. "Its pretty dark in here..." I said as I tried to looked around, only to find darkness.

"Oh, I should probably turn on the lights," he walked over to the front door, his hand moving across the wall, which I can only assume is looking for the light switch, "its just, I like it dark but..." Finally, the lights flickered on and I was able to see his apartment. "A little light won't hurt...a lot." He sounded hesitant.

I looked around the apartment, subconsciously taking in every little detail. His living room was pretty big and empty, he had white carpet.

He also two black and expensive looking couches, facing a pretty big flat screen tv. There was a big, red rug under the white coffee table in between the couches and tv. Overall, it all looked new and unused.

"Are you new here?" I asked, turning around to find Izaya, still standing next to the light switch.

"No, I've lived here for about...2 years." He replied, pulling at his sleeves.

"Wow. You maintain this place so clean, honestly it looks all brand new." 

He stood next to the light switch and then quietly spoke, "Unlike myself...right?" He asked as he looked down to his bloodied grey shirt.

"You could always just change, right?" I replied, moving my head to the side, wanting to see his hidden expression.

He looked up and nodded once, "I'll do that now then..." He walked into the dark hallway, into his room.

~

I walked over to one of the couches, taking a seat on one, finding it incredibly comfortable. I waited quietly for really, a long time until I heard Izaya yelling.

"Izaya?!"

"AAAHHHHH!!!" He cried out once again and I ran to the direction of his voice.

~

-Izaya's POV-

"Ne, Izaya~" Letter F sighed from my bed, laying down on her belly, as if she were very exhausted.

"What?" I mumbled as quietly as possible, not wanting Shizuo to hear. I slid off my shirt and replaced it with a dark red long sleeved shirt. 

"Ugh, your fashion sense is horrible" she scoffed, already clinging to me by the shoulders, as always.

"For the hundredth time, I really don't care." I sighed, pushing her off me.

She pouted and sat back down the bed, "Do you really think he'll help you?" She finally spoke, softly.

"Where's everyone else?" I asked casually, avoiding her question, not knowing the answer to it,  because...I didn't know. Sure, I've gone to many doctors and psycologists and taken many medications, tried to ignore them, but it would never work. If anything, it would get worse and I started to neglect myself from eating and even sleeping. I eventually started to cut myself, since it was the only time they would stay quiet, even if it was only for 2 minutes. They would watch, some in satisfaction, the others would pretend to not care, but I knew they would also be as interested as rest. And really, there weren't many of them, only 13, and many psycologists have told me I'm considered lucky, because others would have over a thousand of 'friends'. How ironic, 13 considered lucky? What they also didn't understand is that all of them were bad. They were all mean. All so twisted.

"Ever since that Shizuo guy came, they've been really pissed." Letter F spoke as she examined her perfectly manicured nails, which I found myself staring, as if mesmerized by their shine. Those nails have hurted me. On my neck most if the time. Leaving pinches, scratches and small cuts. She would claim that it was always on accident, but they way she smirked as I winced in slight irritation would tell me otherwise.

"Do you know...why?" I asked, finally able to look away from her nails and back to cleaning the dry blood off my sickly skin.

"Obviously because they don't like Shizuo. He's...in the way...I guess" she sighed. 

"Tell him to get out. Now!" Before I knew it, 24 hours was right next to me, sending a loud and eery ringing in my right ear. 

I clasped my hand to my ear wanting the ringing to stop, only to hear it getting worse. "S-stop!" I would yell and finally noticed they were all there, talking to me all at the same time. "Stop!" I yelled again, this time some were laughing.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I yelled.


	5. "Hospital For Souls"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been over a month...  
> I'm so sorry ;-;  
> B-but here's the new chapter.  
> Enjoy (?)

…drip…drip...…drop….

The soothing sound of small droplets falling from the dark sky, relaxing the raven's trembling frail body, which was encompassed between strong yet gentle arms.

After a long time of pure silence, the blond finally spoke up with a tender voice, "You okay now?"

Silence.

"Izaya?" Shizuo mumbled into the raven's pale neck, he was leaning on.

Nothing but the sound of the falling raindrops hitting the nearby window, which was completely sealed up with a black thick curtain, not letting a single speck of light in the dark room.

The calm and even breathing from the small framed body indicating that Izaya had fallen to sleep. Shizuo gave a shaky sigh as he recalled how he got into such position.

~

He remembered just how brokenly afraid Izaya seemed as he bursted into the room, almost breaking the door down. His eyes settling in on the quivering fragile-looking form that had tucked in a shuddering ball. Izaya was practically crying his eyes out as he looked up to Shizuo. His eyes red and puffy, his nose pink and stuffy, his hands, which held on tight to his ears, seeming like trying to block any noise that disturbed him to such lengths of pure anxiety. Shizuo remembered the way Izaya had slowly let go of his ears and reached up to his figure as he stood at the doorway, beckoning the blond towards him. He had dropped to his knees, pulling Izaya into his arms with no hesitation.

The way Izaya had clung to him, as if he was dear life itself, made Shizuo feel completely heart wrenched. A feeling of just miserable helplessness, so strong overcame him, almost making him cry along with the raven. Shizuo had let Izaya cry and cry for who knows how long, the tears and eventually snot soaking into his shirt.

After what had seemed to be one to two whole hours of crying and clinging, as if a child not wanting to let go of their precious parent departing to go to work, Izaya's wheezing had stabilized into a normal pace. 

Shizuo hesitated to break the silence and when he opened his mouth to speak, Izaya had mumbled something he could not comprehend.

"…..what?" He had asked quietly, and Izaya slowly began to let go and get up.

"I sai-" He stood up but the way he balanced himself with a nearby wall, the blond noticed he was dizzy and he pulled him down again, this time, hugging him from the back. 

"You shouldn't stand up if you feel that dizzy." He spoke softly into the back of Izaya's neck.

'His breath sends chills yet it felt nice but he's too close and his voice is so gentle…I think I like this…' Izaya thought and suddenly felt his cheeks warm up as he brought his knees up to his chest, getting comfortable in Shizuo's arms, "…..I'm…sorry." He whispered.

"For?" Shizuo asked as he settled his chin on Izaya's shoulder, making Izaya feel queasy yet…nice.

"W-well….you had to see that…a-and I know its no-"

"Stop right there." Shizuo interrupted him, "I said I would help you. Whatever it is, whatever you're going through, whatever torments you. If nobody was there for you before, now you have me. And I'm here for you…and I do not plan on letting you fall."

Izaya had tensed up, his arms hugging his knees too tight and his face buried into them, fresh new tears forming in his eyes as he heard those words.

Those words…

Oh, how much he longed for.

'You have me…'

The warm tears, gradually sliding down his face.

'I'm here for you.'

He couldn't help but tremble again as he sobbed quietly, Shizuo's arms once again, embracing him.

~

"Izaya?" Shizuo had called out again. Izaya shifted but had his eyes closed. Shizuo sighed and slid his arm under Izaya's legs, the other behind his shoulder warily, and stood up. He heard some of his joints pop back in place and gave another sigh, cracking his back bones, carefully not wanting to wake Izaya up. Shizuo really wasn't surprised by how light Izaya weighed since he noticed how skinny he really was when he hugged him.

Izaya's eyes flew open, crimson meeting honey orbs. "W-what are you doing?" He asked, flusteredly looking away and trying to get off.

"Don't." Shizuo spoke as he pulled Izaya closer, "You still feel dizzy, don't you?" 

Izaya was about to lie that he was already fine but once he met those gentle eyes again, he bit his lying tongue and nodded.

Walking closer to the enormous bed, Shizuo pulled the covers and laid Izaya down to the bed gently. 'I wonder how many women he has carried to bed this way before, or at least wished he did.' Izaya thought absentmindedly. He then looked around his room and was practically blinded for a few seconds as Shizuo turned on the light without warning.

"There it is." Shizuo sighed in relief at finding the light switch and he looked back to Izaya's form, unfortunately for Izaya, taking in the scene of his room.

The room was practically empty despite being so wide and spacious. The bed found in the middle and the windows all sealed with the black curtains. There really wasn't a mess with trash and dirty laundry, in fact it was pretty clean if only there wasn't stains on the white carpet.

"Is this…" Shizuo walked up to a stain which seemed recent, the "…blood?" still pretty red and not dried to black like the rest of the stains.

Izaya tensed up as he heard Shizuo's question.

"It is…isn't it." He repeated, looking at the figure in the middle of the bed.

"………..yes." He mumbled, looking away.

"How long have you been…" Shizuo started the question but found himself unable to finish it, "Why haven't you cleaned up?" He asked another question, "Isn't it….painful to see this?"

"It's the reason why I don't turn on the lights." 

"Well, why don't you just clean up?" 

"…….they don't like that?"

"They?" Shizuo asked intrigued and walked closer to him.

Izaya painfully looked back to him.

"Who's 'they'?" Shizuo asked again.

"Nobody." He replied, avoiding Shizuo's sharp gaze. "And could you turn off the lights? My head is starting to hurt…"

Shizuo sighed and ran a hand through his hair, taking a seat on Izaya's bed, facing him, "Are they….the ones who torment you?" 

Izaya couldn't help but glare at Shizuo. Wasn't it obvious he didn't want to talk about them??

Shizuo was taken slightly aback at the way Izaya looked at him. He managed to glare at him, despite just crying in his arms just minutes ago, the dark bags from neglecting sleep, evident under his eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it." Izaya muttered, his eyes trailing down to his arms, pulling onto his sleeves.

Shizuo was about to protest again but noticed the wall Izaya had built around him, which he somehow managed to crack, start to build up again, and even stronger, leaving the blond back to square one.

"Fine." He replied after a while, starting to stand back up, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'll leave, since you need to rest, and its pretty late now."

Izaya's arm shot up, his fingers clutching to Shizuo shirt from behind, not letting Shizuo walk any further than the two steps he took, "D-Don't go." Izaya pathetically whimpered, his grip getting tighter, "please…"

~

Hold me close, don't let go.


	6. Replace My Anxiety, Won't You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shizzz  
> What is this?  
> What  
> Is  
> This?!  
> Yes...  
> This time I did not update a month later.  
> *smiles proudly*  
> You are very welcome xD  
> Lol, anyways...  
> Thanks again for all of you guy's support and patience~  
> Enjoy? XD

-Shizuo POV-

I couldn't help but laugh a little as I turned around to him. His head was down, but I knew he was blushing. His bright red ears and neck gave it all away. His grip faltered as he looked up, noticing I was staring. He eventually had let go back of my shirt, his hands quickly covering up his mouth as he averted his eyes.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked smugly, carefully pulling his hands down, away from his flushed red face.

He put up a little of a struggle, but eventually I prevailed, and he had no choice but look up at me. Unfortunately, he glared at me with his bright crimson eyes, I truly like.

"You're pretty freaking mean…" He muttered, pulling his arms from my already loosening grasp.

"Me?" I asked in as if I was fairly offended voice, "How so?"

He shrugged, "Forget what I said, and leave."

I sighed, "If you say so." I shrugged dramatically, "I mean, it is your home an-" 

Before I could walk away, he stopped me. I turned around and met his eyes. He seemed pretty mad, "Just now, you pissed me off. B-but…." His eyes soften and he looked away, "….don't leave. I was k-kidding…"

I nodded, "Obviously. I mean, who would want to get rid of my amazing presence?"

He looked back at me, annoyed, "Don't get cocky now." He spat, letting me go again.

I nodded again, almost laughing.

~

-Izaya POV-

After a moment of eery silence, like the one you know you want to break, but you just can't because you don't want 'the risk' of just making it more awkward, Shizuo spoke up.

"You should take a shower. Or are you hungry?" He asked from the chair next to my bed, I was currently sitting on.

Food, huh? I don't even remember the last time I ate…

I'm not hungry really, so I shook my head, "A shower sounds nice though." I eventually got up and for a while, I couldn't focus my eyes. The floor and walls seemed to be moving in wavey forms. I tried to walk as if everything was okay, but before I knew it, I was falling. 

However, I did not fall. 

Well, I did fall.

Just…not on the ground, which could result in hitting my head and probably even die. Not that…it wasn't a bad idea really…

Shizuo's arm was supporting me by the chest. Yes, arm. As in one. 

"Careful now. You could have hit your head and died, and that's not good." He spoke quietly, helping me to my feet.

Ironic, isn't it? I was thinking the same thing, but in the end mine was pretty negative. 

I mumbled my thanks before finally being able to walk into the bathroom inside my room.

I walked in and closed the door behind me, starting to take off my clothes and placing them in the hamper.

I turned on the shower facet and waited a couple of seconds for the water to turn hot. As I waited, I avoid looking into the mirror and instead focused on my bandaged arms. I eventually took the gauze off and found myself crying.

No noise was coming from my mouth, but the tears wouldn't stop no matter how much I told myself to calm down. I kept my eyes glued on all the scars, old and new ones, 'decorating' my skin. I let out a cold and soft chuckle. 'Decorating'. I've always wanted a tattoo to be honest. And now, I have some. A lot. Sure, they were anything but nice and they weren't the 'design' I wanted.

A knock at the door startled me and I looked up to it, "Y-yes?"

"Izaya? Are you okay?" Shizuo's voice was muffled because of the door but I managed to detect the worry in his voice.

I sighed, wiping the tears from myself before speaking, "I am pretty sure you know the answer to that question."

I could almost see him rolling his eyes, "That's not really what I mean, you know."

"I know." I replied as I started to walk in the shower.

I heard footsteps walking away and I started to wash my body, wincing when the water would hit my newly self-inflicted cuts.

I don't know how or why, but I felt myself crying again. I'm such a pathetic human being. I tired to convince myself into thinking it was the shower's water and not my own tears. I failed horribly as I cried more, a pain in my chest swelling up, making me want to almost vomit. My breath started to become heavier and I couldn't control it. Everything seemed to be closing in on me and I couldn't do anything but cry.

The tears wouldn't stop.

It was harder to breath.

And all I could think of was my greatest weakness.

Fear.

Oh, how much did it like to visit me. Taunt me to no end.

And like always, Fear loved to bring 'them' all. 

I couldn't see them but, I sure heard them. Obnoxious laughing and letting their mouths run loose with disgusting slurs and cruel words.

I tried to block them by covering my ears, obviously not helping me at all.

They were in my head.

They weren't real.

I didn't hear the door or shower curtain fling open and the water stopping. I looked up and found Shizuo looking straight at me, his eyes wide open in complete distress. He had thrown my red towel over my shoulders with no hesitation, and pulled me into his arms, my trembling body clashing into his strong chest.

I clung to his shirt as he easily pulled me out of the shower and backed up until his back hit a wall with a light thud. Slowly, we slid down the wall, until we were both sitting. I was still crying but I managed to control my breathing. 

"Its okay." He muttered into my naked shoulder, the towel slipping down my arm along the way. "I'm here. Its okay." He assured with a soft voice, his warm breath sending shivers along my spine.

Fortuntely, the overflowing hot tears came to a halt and my grip on Shizuo's shirt eased down. He had been rubbing my back, his fingers feeling every dent of my spine. I believe that's what calmed me down. The soothing sensation along with the soft beating of his heart, managing to lurer me away from my hell.

He kept calming me down in silence and I felt myself falling asleep. My head on his chest was steadily falling as my eyes began to close.

"Oh, sorry but you can't fall asleep here. You'll catch a cold." He spoke gently and I nodded, starting to get up. 

That's when I noticed…I was naked.

(Obviously.)

It got worse as I looked down and my legs were open and around Shizuo's hips. A deep red hue conquered my face within seconds and I quickly cover myself with the towel.

Shizuo laughed but looked away, a tint of pink on his cheeks, "Its fine. I'm a guy and its not like I haven't seen a dick before…"

I was looking down, clutching to the towel, unable to look at him in the face.

"Though…" He cleared his throat and I looked up, meeting his honey looking eyes, "…Its pretty small. And compared to mine…its tiny." 

It was a slap to the face.

Sure, I really didn't give 1 or 2 shits about what people thought of me, b-b-but I still had my man pride!

I glared at him, my face completely red and tried to pull away from him harshly, only to have his arms grab tighter.

"Ah, sorry, sorry!" He laughed, "I had too." 

I felt really irritated and if I wasn't just crying moments ago, I would have punch him in the face. Maybe even kick that, I hate to admit it but, adorkable smug looking face off. I sighed, looking down once again, unable to retort his comment.

"I was kidding, okay?" He mumbled, lifting my chin up to meet my eyes. "…..partially." He smirked.

That was when my fist collided with his perfect cheekbone.


	7. "Don't Go"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I take toooooo long to update....  
> I'm so sorry ;-;  
> I really appreciate your patience and kindness~  
> Thank you so much for that and the comments and kudos.  
> Every time I read them, I can't help but smile like a dork and it really encourages me to write xD  
> ~  
> Anyways~  
> Hope you guys enjoy ^.^

Izaya had had about enough. He was mad. Honestly, he hadn't been so mad since…since…

In forever.

And he couldn't help but feel a spec of…happiness. It had been a while since he'd punch someone other than his own mind punching himself. Sure, he had his sadistic side. Everyone did, right? But it had been too long for him and the rush of his knuckles clashing against a soft cheek made him want to smile.

Without saying anything or sparing Shizuo a glance, he walked out the bathroom, the towel around his waist and 'maybe' accidentally opening the door with too much force, causing it to hit the already staggering blond's forehead.

Izaya smirked and walked across his room as he heard an unfamiliar groan coming from said blond and headed to the closet to look for clothes. Only to stop at the door as his fingers crawled up to his lips.

A smirk.

He was smirking.

He felt too excited and hastily opened the door to his closet, being a walk in closet, he walked in, closing the door behind him. He slid down the wall until he fell to the floor, sitting down for quite a while. Not saying or doing anything. He was just staring at the opposite wall until he suddenly jerked a little when the door was knocked, startling him before being warily opened.

"I-Izaya?" Shizuo then peered his head from the side of the door almost as if cautious.

Izaya raised his head, his crimson eyes following the big red mark on his cheek, not forgetting the one on his forehead, then meeting Shizuo's russet eyes.

"Shit. What's wrong?!" Shizuo asked before walking in, slowly making his way to Izaya, and kneeling in front of him. "I swear I was just kidding. I didn't mean to make you cry." He mumbled almost too fast.

Izaya could only tilt his head to the side in slight confusion, "But…I'm not crying…"

Suddenly, Shizuo's warm thumb caressed his cheek as he flashed a small smile. Izaya blushed and was about to push him for being too close to him, but Shizuo then pulled his hand and showed Izaya his thumb, "Tears." He blurted out.

Izaya looked at the thumb and then raise his hand to his face, and sure enough, his cheeks were wet and the tears kept falling, unnoticed.

"What happened?" Shizuo asked, helping him up, very carefully pulling onto his wrists.

"I don't know…" He murmured, slowly getting up but abruptly his knees bucked below him and he fell into Shizuo's arms.

Shizuo laughed softly, "Did your legs fall asleep?"

Izaya embarrassedly tried to get up and sighed a 'Yes, but I can manage'. Which was nothing but a lie as he got up, his legs failed him again and he couldn't help but cling onto the nearest stable object, unfortunately for him, being Shizuo, "S-Sorry…"

Shizuo shook his head, the grin still evident on his lips, "Nah, its fine. I'll help you to your bed though."

Izaya contemplated but then nodded, shyly. Might as well since his legs decided to disobey his messed up mind.

Shizuo suddenly heaved Izaya up, an arm around his torso as his other grabbed ahold under his knees.

Bridal style.

Izaya blushed and started to squirm, "Again?! N-Not like this!"

Shizuo ignored his pleas and smirked, "I'm carrying you, and this way is easy. Especially since you only have a towel on."

Izaya didn't say anything else and grabbed ahold of Shizuo's shirt, hiding his inappreciably flushed face into it.

Shizuo walked out the closet, and into the room, carefully and almost too easily carrying the brunet. He gently placed him onto the bed and Izaya had let go of him as he sat on the bed.

"I still need clothes." Izaya muttered, looking at his open and lit closet.

"I'll bring it." Shizuo replied and walked back to the closet. "Will anything do?" He asked, looking through the racks of clothes.

"A long sleeved shirt and some sweatpants. A-Also socks….my feet get cold." Izaya faltering spoke from the bed.

Was he getting too bold? ……he felt like he was. Getting carried to his bed, 'demanding' clothes, even getting his wounded arms dressed.

Oh, right. He still needs to wrapped them up again. They could reopen and make a mess…

Shizuo nodded, removed a long sleeved shirt for a hanger and the sweatpants from on top of a rack, not forgetting a pair of socks before walking back to Izaya.

"Ah, not trying to tease or be perverted but um…" A small shade of pink took over the blond's face as he spoke, "Where's your um….underwear?"

Izaya pointed to the drawer in front of his bed, also wearing a pink face, avoiding Shizuo's gaze.

Shizuo nodded and headed to the drawer, tentatively pulling out a pair of underwear and closing the drawer and walking back to Izaya.

Izaya took the underwear and waited for Shizuo to finally walk out his room. Really wanting some much needed privacy.

Shizuo kept looking at him and was confused at the way he looked back at him. He then nodded, thinking he understood and Izaya sighed in relief as saw said blond started to back away.

But, Shizuo did not leave.

Instead, he crouched down in front of Izaya and took the underwear from Izaya's hands and started to slip them on his skinny and, surprisingly, hairless legs.

Izaya face started to burn red again.

He was dressing him!!

This blond really never ceased to surprise him.

Shizuo's fingertips were soft and warm as they occasionally brushed against his flesh. Izaya mouth gaped only he couldn't find his voice to tell him that he could dress perfectly fine by himself but closed his mouth. He decided to just admire the sight of the man's tender side. He had never had someone act so gentle towards him ever since his parents di--

"U-Um…mind standing up?" Shizuo mumbled, cheeks dyed light pink.

Izaya had snapped out of his thoughts and locked eyes with him, "W-What?"

Shizuo had gotten up and sat next to him on the bed. Izaya appeared to be in his own world, seeming to forget that Shizuo was there. 

Did his promise of not leaving Izaya alone and doing whatever it took to help him not mean anything to him? He was serious when he said that. When he took that frail and cool hand into his just earlier.

He wanted to know everything. Anything. He wanted to know why he cried so much. He wanted to know why he looked so lonely. So empty. So…broken. He genuinely wanted to aid him. Be there for him. And he didn't know why. He didn't know how. Fuck, he didn't even know the guy! It seemed absolutely absurd.

"What's wrong?" He questioned, breaking the silence.

Izaya was slightly taken aback by the question. What does he mean 'What's wrong'? Isn't it obvious? Everything is wrong. Absolutely everything that revolves around him. He, himself, was wrong. But to be honest, he had never been asked that question. A question that was asked in a voice laced with worry and, what Izaya couldn't believed was….care.

Overwhelmed with such gentleness from a stranger he had never met in his entire life, tears flowed down his cheeks, his lips trembling as he unwantingly let out a quiet sob, in a broken voice. He gave a humorless laugh, unable to believe that he was crying in front of him for the umpteenth time. He had never let anyone see him cry, let alone more than once. Sure, he didn't have people see him at all, but even then, he had never let it happened.

"Nothing." He replied in a eerily calm voice as he forced the tears to a stop, his eyes cast down and his rather long bangs covering his face, as his quivering fingers reached up to wipe off his pathetic tears, "Nothing….is wrong."

~

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.  
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.  
Don't go.  
Don't go.

If I let you in, you'd just want out.  
If I tell you the truth, you'd vie for a lie.


	8. Mesmerized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No song for this chapter ;3;  
> I didn't have one that fit it so...  
> Sorry (╥_╥)  
> Anyways, again, thanks for all of the kudos and comments and just the love in general.  
> It makes my heart flutter, no lie. XD

Shizuo sighed, nodding his head slowly. "I won't force you to tell me if you don't want to tell me. I know it takes time to open up to someone, especially since you just met me."

Izaya lifted his head up, eyes puffy and red from crying too much in just one day. He only nodded, looking away and cleared his throat, "I can change by myself now." Truth be told, he always could. He just got a little carried away with the blond's kindness.

"Is that right?" Shizuo asked, getting back up on his feet and stretching his stiff muscles. As he reached his arms above his head, some of his bones popped back in place, letting him exhale deeply. 

Izaya waited for the blond to walk out before he finished dressing.

"If I leave right now…" Shizuo started, stopping on his way out the door to turn back to face Izaya, "….how do I know you won't….hurt yourself?"

Izaya was a bit taken aback, his eyes widening slightly. He looked down to his scarred arms and then back to Shizuo, his eyes unwavering as he stared into honey colored ones, "You don't trust me?"

Shizuo stayed quiet for a while. If he wanted to help Izaya, he would need Izaya's trust. But for that, he also needed to trust in Izaya. He then looked straight into Izaya's carmine colored eyes as well, "You don't even trust yourself." He replied in a quiet tone.

Izaya made a small 'o' shape with his mouth before nodding again, "You have a point."

"So, the answer to my question?" Shizuo asked again, gradually walking closer to Izaya.

Izaya looked down at his arms again, wincing in slight disgust. He turned his arms' scars away as he noticed Shizuo already looming over him.

"Fine. Stay there but close your eyes, pervert." He replied in a low and mellow voice.

Shizuo just scoffed, and stepped back a little before closing his eyes.

Izaya stared at Shizuo for a moment, checking if he really wouldn't open his eyes. "Don't open your eyes until I tell you so."

Shizuo exhaled a 'I know.'

Izaya hesitantly stood up, the towel around his waist falling to his feet right away. As he slipped his underwear all the way up, he kept his eyes on Shizuo's closed ones. Then, he slipped on his sweat pants with ease. Though, if he were honest to himself, putting on a long sleeved shirt was the most difficult since it would reopen his newly inflected cuts.

He popped his head inside the shirt and carefully slid an arm through the sleeve, only to hiss in pain and hug his arm to his chest, blood seeping through the slit by now.

"Izaya?" Shizuo called out, forgetting to keep his eyes closed. When he looked up at Izaya, he noticed the raven flusteredly struggling to cover his torso.

"I told you not to open your eyes until I told you so!" Izaya yelled, a bit flustered yet irritated.

"Ah, shit. I'm sorry!" Shizuo replied, closing his eyes once again, "But, um…are you okay??"

"No. I'm not." Izaya admitted with a exasperated sigh. "My arms are bleeding again." He mumbled weakly.

"Do you…need help with that?" Shizuo warily asked, not opening his eyes again since it made Izaya nervous and even yell at him.

"You ask too many damn questions!" Izaya lashed out, making Shizuo snap his mouth shut. Well, still having his eyes close didn't help prevent Izaya yell at him again.

Izaya quickly noted his harsh attitude. Shizuo was only trying to help and he shot him down without a second thought. He felt guilty, another feeling he hadn't felt in the longest. Since Shizuo was the only one to actually seem to care, guilt poked its ugly head inside his twisted heart.

"I'm….so--"

"No. Don't." Shizuo interrupted, "Its fine. I kinda get that a lot."

"B-but still I was rather rude."

"No, I'm annoying you. It makes sense." Shizuo chuckled softly. "I'm the sorry one."

"What? Why? You didn't do anything wrong…" Izaya replied, forgetting about the shirt around his neck and timidly walked in front of Shizuo.

Shizuo heard Izaya's footsteps getting closer and closer, finally stopping right in front of him. Slowly and cautiously, he opened his eyes and was met with watery dark red eyes, looking like actual pools of blood.

"I'm annoying you." Shizuo muttered, his cheeks burning slightly by how close their faces were, their breathing pretty much being exchanged with each other. Exactly why was he so close??

Izaya shook his head, "No, not at all. I was just tired and….exhausted. I let my irritation slip out and lashed at you despite you only trying to help me."

Shizuo found his eyes locked by Izaya's, his fingers suddenly going up to Izaya's flushed pink cheek. Izaya jumped a bit, but didn't seem to mind and instead, Shizuo thought he leaned closer to his touch. His cheeks grew rosier as Shizuo cupped his cheek, a thumb caressing underneath his eyes gently.

As if the world around them stopped spinning, they kept staring at each other, their hearts pounding louder and faster as Shizuo leaned lower, Izaya leaning upward.

Their noses bumped and their breathing grew heavier as their cheeks grew redder, their eyes slowly closing. They tilted chins slightly, their lips were only centimeters away, almost touching…

"……no." Izaya softly spoke, almost inaudible. He timidly pulled away from Shizuo's hold and pushed him away by the chest.

Shizuo drew back, "Ah, I'm so sorry." He mumbled nervously, looking away from Izaya, his heart starting to ache to his confusion.

Izaya held his bleeding arm closer, his gaze falling at the corner of the nearest wall.

"I'm really sorry, Izaya. I didn't mean for t-tha--"

"It's fine. I was at fault too." Izaya hushed before looking up but not to Shizuo's gaze. "Let's just pretend that didn't happen…"

Shizuo really wanted to protest. He didn't know why he was about to do that but he did know that he was starting to like it…

And, Izaya didn't mind at first. If anything, he also moved closer and…closer…and…

They almost kissed.

Who the hell kisses someone they just met? Sure, it happens in movies. But they were movies! Fictional plots!

Shizuo shook his head faintly, and rubbed his chest where his aching heart was underneath. 'I feel like I was just rejected by the love of my life.' He inwardly chuckled, finding the feeling really idiotic. 'Izaya was smart to stop that. I don't know what would happen next after that…'

He watched as Izaya kept clutching to his arm, his cheeks also a bit flushed pink. 'I wonder what he's thinking though...'

Izaya wanted to follow his advice of 'pretending that never happened.' He really did. But he found it nearly impossible with his rapidly beating heart and with a rather sharp pain in his heart.

'What the hell was that???' He asked himself, biting his lower lip in puzzlement.

More blood slid down to his chest and stomach, some of it already dry but his arm's wounds wouldn't stop bleeding.

"U-Uhm…well. Let me help you bandage your arms and clean your torso." Shizuo stuttered, his cheeks still warm.

Izaya shift his focus to his chest and panicked a bit, his eyes widening.

"It's okay!" Shizuo noticed and calmed him down, "It's your arm's blood. You're not bleeding from your chest."

"O-Oh." Izaya sighed embarrassedly, "I knew that."

Shizuo laughed mildly, "Right. And I'm famous."

"Whatever." Izaya scoffed, "And, okay. The bandages are inside that." He pointed to a small white first aid kit on top of his dresser.

Shizuo walked over to it, picking it up and to his surprise, it was collecting dust despite being completely new. Really, the plastic covering was still intact and Shizuo just clenched his hand into a fist. He felt somewhat perturbed.

'What the hell? He has a first aid kit but doesn't use it?? Why doesn't he take care of himself? Why does he hurt himself? Why…. Why won't he tell me?? Why? ….just….

"….why?"

Izaya turned to Shizuo, a bit confused, "Why what?"

'Wait. I really shouldn't lose my patience. That'd be stupid….' Shizuo thought before pacing back to Izaya. 

"No, never mind." He forced a small smile as he took a seat next to Izaya on the bed. "Let's see your arms now."

Izaya finally took off the shirt around his neck, finding it stupid that he has hiding his torso from Shizuo. After all, like the blond had said earlier, they were both male. He reluctantly exposed his arms in front of Shizuo, his gaze making the raven really uncomfortable. Shizuo noticed and tried to not look too hard, murmuring a soft 'Sorry.'

Izaya nodded once, watching as Shizuo took off the plastic covering from the kit a bit too easily.

"Are you perhaps a doctor? Or nurse?" Izaya asked, as Shizuo retrieved a gauze roll and a small bottle of spray labeled 'Antiseptic Solution' in front, from the little box.

Shizuo puffed an airily laugh, carefully pulling Izaya's left arm first in front of him to apply the spray. "This may sting a bit." He spoke as he pressed the nuzzle and aimed it to his cuts.

Izaya winced, his eyes squeezing shut. It stung a lot more than the shower's water.

After covering the cuts well with the spray, Shizuo took out a sterile cotton ball from the box, and gingerly cleaned the wound.

Izaya watched intently, despite his arm still stinging.

"You haven't answered my question." Izaya mumbled.

Shizuo looked up at him and smiled, "Of course not." He finally replied.

"Oh, you seem like you are. Or, maybe you're studying for it?" He asked, trying to spark a conversation.

Shizuo shook his head, and rolled the long bandage around his marred with cuts and slashes arms after placing some clean gauze pads on the wounds.

"I'm not studying at all. I kinda just dropped out of high school." Shizuo replied.

"Oh, why is that?" Izaya asked, his eyes traveling from his arms to Shizuo's face. He looked funny. Eyebrows all furrowed up, so intent on wrapping his arm perfectly.

"I'm…not a bright person." He spoke softly, finally finishing wrapping an arm to his satisfaction.

"I find that hard to believe." Izaya replied as he kept observing Shizuo. Shizuo's face turned even funnier as he scrunched up his face in disagreement. Izaya couldn't stop a smile form on his face.

Shizuo looked up at Izaya, noticing the curve playing on his lips. His eyes were gentle and bright red. His cheeks had color unlike when he first time he saw him, all pale and sickly. His lips curved into a smile and although it wasn't a full smile, showing off his teeth, it was really nice and he looked….

"……..beautiful." Shizuo spoke unknowingly aloud, eyes mesmerized by Izaya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are very much appreciated <3


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